


So far away but still so near

by Nic_louise_12



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Ben's singing, Lets all cry together, M/M, Sad, Soft Ben
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-08-09 22:48:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20125120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nic_louise_12/pseuds/Nic_louise_12
Summary: So this came to me when I was listening to Callum's Scotts - Dancing On My Own.It's is going to soft as hell and sad and everything in between, so I welcome y'all to come and cry with me.(See notes at the end) x





	1. Chapter 1

The weeks are moving too fast for Callum, he is still lying to Whitney, he is still trying to keep Ben out of his head and heart, he is totally messed up, he doesn't feel in control, he hates himself for this, everyone still see's the kind, sweet, dorky halfway, but Callum sees the monster he is and Ben well Ben has seen every inch of him and is still teasing him but there a whole lot of stuff Callum doesn't know.. But he soon will do.

Whitney has been moaning at him all week to go to the vic Friday night, they are holding a Karaoke night to raise money for a charity so Callum just nods, putting a jumper on and black jeans, he even pulls out a beanie again throwing it on his head they walk out and towards the vic, it is a good turn out, mostly everyone is thee, including Ben, there eyes meet and Callum gives him a little smile but Ben looks past it, past Callum. Whitney decides to sit with Lola who of course is sat with Jay and Ben, Callum grabs a bar stool and sits in between the table on both sides of Ben and Whitney. He looks at his drink which now is making him feel sick, and locals go up and sing, they all laugh at home and cheer others, the night is going smoothly, Ben hasn't even looked Callum's direction when he stands, walking over and taking the Mic,he is standing going through the songs and stops looking at Callum and this time gives a half smile and gets ready.

Callum is sat there turning to the table "Can he even sing" he asks and they all just look and laugh, he stands up to go to the bar when he hears the opening sounds of the song, he knows right away what it is, a few months back when they went on a midnight drive it came on he stills, willing himself not to look at Ben, not to look anywhere. He Holds His breathe as he hears Ben's voice fill the room as he starts to sing,

_"** Somebody said you got a new friend, does she love you better than I can?" **_

Ben's voice is shaky at first, but he soon gets into it, Callum turns looking at him, there eyes meet again but this time both won't look away, Callum watching Ben standing alone, seeming so small but with this voice he thoughts are pushed back as he hears Ben again

_ **"And there's a big black sky over my town, I know where you're at, I bet shes around, and yeah, I know it's stupid, but I just gotta see it for myself, I'm in the corner watching you kiss her, oh, oh, oh and I'm right over here, why can't you see me? oh, oh, oh"** _

Callum is willing him to look away, run out the pub and never stop, but his, feet, his feet are nailed to the ground, he can feel Ben's eyes sinking into him as his voices breaks he just sways as the music plays, Callum mind is again drifting away to thier late night drives, the way Ben always had a small smile on his lips, the way Callum felt free holding his hand as they drive, the places they used to sit at for hours laughing, talking, kissing, the way Ben looked the first time he told Callum he is in too deep, the way he felt after the night in the park, the way Callum knew and Ben knew it was only a matter of time till they got caught, why can't he shake Ben, why is he holding on to Ben, when he has Whitney, he is too lost in his thoughts to see Ben move a little, standing at the edge of a booth facing Callum, his mind going deeper he pulls away when he hears the lyrics he has missed half of the song but these cut him like a knife, he Can hear the emotion in Ben now

** _" So far away, but still so near, the lights come on, he music dies, but you don't see me, standing here, I just came to say goodbye, I'm in the corner watching you kiss her, oh, oh, oh, and I'm giving it my all, but I'm not the guy your taking home, ooh, ooh, ooh I keep dancing on my own" _ **

He looks at Ben tears escaping from his eyes, Ben is looking back, broken and he knows, he knows in that moment he could never say goodbye to Ben Micthell but how could he show him? Get through to him? He is stone cold sober and he hears the song coming to a end, he looks around, tears now streaming down his face, everyone is clapping Ben who is now back on stage "now or never callum" he mumbles to himself and he finds him self walking to the stage, before he knows it, he is stood face to face to Ben, who is just looking at him, and glancing round all eyes are on them "Cal what ever your doing.. don't.. I get it I" and before he could finish and before callum could run he kisses him, the world stops for both of them, it feels like its only them in the Vic, Callum pulls ben closer, ben pulls callum closer and then callum stiffens, reality hitting back he pulls away but ben holds on to his hands, he looks at Ben his lips red, eyes heavy he turns to face everyone and standing there watching it all was Whitney..

"WHAT THE HELL" 


	2. It's not up to you, It's not up to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the kiss.

Callum looks down at Whitney he wants to say something, anything, maybe this is a dream, maybe he will wake up soon, but he feels Ben's hands on his, his thumb rubbing the back of Callum's hand, he turns and Ben gives him a small smile. And that's when the attack hits him, his chest is getting tighter, his breathing starting to stagger, he squeezes Ben's hand and in seconds Ben is leading them out the pub, crowds of people following, Whitney, Mick and Linda, Jay and Lola being the main people, Ben has no idea where to take Callum but as the move a few foot outside the Vic, he has to stop, he needs to calm Callum down before his chest explodes.

Ben turning grabbing Callum's shoulders with a soft touch, Whitney watches closely as Callums back relaxes, she has seen this a dozen times but she's never seen him like this, Ben getting to his level "come on cal, breathe with me, yeah, in, out, in, out" Callum starts to breathe alongside Ben "b-be-ben.. i'm to hot" he pants as Ben looks around, not really caring that everyone is watching them like TV show, he carefully pulls Callum's beanie and jumper off, setting them to one side, placing both hands on Callum's side, Whitney see's how Callum falls into his touch, shes slowly starting to see that this is happening, "Keep breathing cal" Ben says softly, while quickly becoming angry at the crowd of people watching and waiting, "Haven't ya all got anything better to do" he hisses at the gathering crowd but his attention going back to Callum as he hears his silent sobs into his shoulder "Oh cal" he whimpers as he hears a voice "Ben get him back to the house" Phil calls out as he passes them both, picking up Callum's clothes, "Like my son said, you ain't got nothing better to do?!" Phil repeats but a bit stronger and louder than Ben.

He joins Ben throwing Callum's arm over his shoulder "Come on" he mumbles as they both slowly walk Callum back to Phils. Thing's don't get better for Callum when they get back, Phil takes everyone out, leaving Ben and Callum alone. Callum doesn't know what he is feeling right now, he's just kissed a man in-front of everyone and his wife to be, he is angry at himself but turns to Ben "You happy now?" he screams making Ben look up "Why did you have to come back, no wait why did you have to meet me?! My life was okay-ish.. and now what do I have?" Tears rolling down Callum's face he looks away but looks back at Ben "You happy, happy that I'm officially broken" Ben turns his face full of thunder "what" is all he says as Callum looks "No Ben I'm sorry.. I didn't" and Ben is by his side in seconds kissing his cheek "its okay I know" he smiles "Look, why don't you go and get some sleep yeah" he pulls Callum closer "I'll be here don't worry" He mumbles before planting a kiss on Callums lips and watches as he walks up stairs. He sits for hours, replaying the kiss, Callums words, wondering why he did that, but he feels pride for Callum, finally coming out, maybe not in the way he wanted, but still, he smiles as Callum appears at his side "Hello" he says shyly.

Ben decides to make a cup of tea, coming back in kissing Callums head and sitting down "Cal, I-I have a few questions" looking at him nervously and Callum laughs "Sure" he said putting both hands around the hot mug. Ben shifts in his seat and looks "Firstly, are you okay" Callum looks over to him, can see the worry on his face "yeah, well I will be, A lot has happened y'know" he smiles and Ben just nods and Ben speaks the words Callum has been dreading "Why do it Cal? I mean in that way" and Callim sighs but looking back at him;

"That song, I remember it y'know the other month in the car, (he looks shyly at ben) The lyrics, you, me, the memories, the feelings, I guess I just didn't wanna say goodbye.. I have before.. said goodbye and that was too much, I know what your about Ben, but I don't care, I don't care about any of it, I could imagine a life without you, and your teasing and digs, you have wrote your name on my heart, and I don't know and If I want to get rid of it, I like ye Ben, you know that, but its also been a lot more than liking for a long time.. Well on my behalf" he looks away, gripping his mug a little too tight and Ben just sits there, this is all he ever wanted from Callum, the truth, what he was feeling, but now Ben knows that the fling, was over and this was the start of something much bigger, he stands walking over to Callum he bends and kisses him, the kiss turns hard and rough a few minutes into it. They both lay there, catching their breathes, that wasn't a normal hook up for them, this was them making love, truly giving themselves to each other, Ben watched as Callum relaxed and how his face was so much brighter and happier, Ben could never get enough of this, enough of Callum and he didn't have too.

A little while later as they both lay wrapped up in each other Callum laughs "What's funny is that a year ago if you told me I'd be here, falling asleep next to a man I would of laughed at you, But you happened, Ben Mitchell came home, I don't know why you did, but I am glad you did, because Ben, I think I well I think I love you" Ben turns and looks at Callum, who is laid there with the biggest grin on his face, he eyes meeting Bens

"Cal what did you just say?"

"I said I love you Ben Mitchell"

"Ben? Ben?"

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me here come and say Hello!!
> 
> Tumblr - @ballum7029
> 
> Twitter - @BallumStan
> 
> Instagram - @ballumxendgame_


End file.
